I just stood there dazed.
Trying to grasp what was happening.
I couldn’t believe how terrible I felt.
I had been reckless and now, people were paying the price.
I immediately went inside my soul and wished it wasn’t so ugly and dark.
Why was I like this?
Why couldn’t I do something, ANYTHING right?
Does this internal conversation sound familiar to you?
These are feelings I had years ago when I was involved in a car accident that was my fault, but it could literally be the same for so many decisions and actions in anyone’s life.
It sounds terrible and seemingly unhelpful.
However, I typically feel some level of remorse or pain when I cause hurt and pain to others or do something that seems to stray from the path I have set for myself.
These feelings can come as guilt and/or shame.
I don’t see guilt and shame as the same thing and there are a myriad of opinions on what people “should” feel.
However, I believe in being effective and helping others be effective.
Let me share a quick story with you,
I was raised in the LDS (Mormon) church and although I had a large hiatus growing up, much of my youth was spent at church on Sundays and activities with other youth members growing up.
I was taught Christian principles and also had to navigate the social culture of that environment.
There were great and also very uncomfortable moments.
In Salt Lake City, Utah at the time I felt a lot of influence to “do the right thing” and shame if I did something that was against the principles I had been taught.
There was a culture that seemed like it was trying to help, but I found myself hiding thoughts and actions that I still wanted to have or perform so that I could avoid ridicule or embarrassment.
I felt guilty everyday for my shortcomings and shameful that I wasn’t a better human being.
It was hurtful and helpful at the same time.
I don’t hate the LDS church or Christianity for having those feelings of guilt and shame.
In fact, I don’t see anywhere in the doctrine that I should have ever felt that way.
There were people like myself who were imperfect and most likely trying to do their best who I allowed to inject their ideas and values into my life.
That’s where the guilt and shame came in.
I couldn’t reconcile at a young age why I didn’t just want to be a perfect angel 24/7 and so naturally as a young boy, I took it to mean that I was a bad person.
Something was wrong with me.
I was fractured, imperfect, and broken.
Now if I fast forward several years, I can see that I am still fractured, imperfect, and broken.
However, I have learned a few lessons about guilt and shame.
First of all, those feelings put a very deep desire in me to always do my very best to love God and people.
There is work involved and I felt motivated to be better every single day.
I have had to learn that when I do something that is not in line with my values and goals, that it doesn’t equate me to being a piece of human garbage.
In fact, it is beautiful that I will always have something to strive for, hone, and refine.
There is discomfort in failing to take the actions I desire to take.
That is normal and healthy.
It helps me to see where I am out of alignment with my real values and decide if I am being true to myself.
I don’t have a problem with guilt as a feeling because it comes as a flag to tell me that something is out of whack.
However, if I carry that out to feeling bad about myself internally and that something is wrong with me, then it stops helping me.
That leads to withdrawal, despair, depression, addiction, and other damaging thoughts and potential actions.
In those moments, I look for an escape because I believe that my reality is that I myself am bad in some way.
That is a lie.
When I make a “mistake”, the helpful and effective step to take is to see why and how or if I can do it differently.
Perhaps that was still the best action at the time, but really I just want to take the step that gets the result I am after.
I can adjust course and continue to move forward.
Ultimately, that is where feelings of guilt or discomfort with our actions can help.
It’s just adjusting the path to being your best, happiest, healthiest self.
I also believe that to be God’s truth.
Thank you for reading.
Phillip Adams
Hi Phil,
Very nice writing. You are a very good person and thank you for sharing this with us.
Also thank you for this website, it’s a great idea and needed, indeed.