That was the last draw.
I had enough.
Never again would I allow myself to be screwed over by someone else.
I had to be smarter than the people around me and not let them see any chinks in my armor.
I would be invincible.
I would withdraw inside to a place where nobody could touch me.
Apathy was the key to everything.
If I didn’t care, then it couldn’t hurt me.
I could never be sad or ashamed or betrayed because I would give nobody that power again.
How many times have I felt this in my life?
Too many.
My parents divorced when I was ten and although I was admittedly heartbroken at the time, I did not realize the impact that event would have on me for the rest of my life.
It wasn’t that I remained upset at them and couldn’t get over it or forgive.
It wasn’t that I couldn’t man up and deal with my emotions and pain as an adult.
The problem came from my inability to trust others after that.
See, as far as I could tell, God had given me a giant middle finger and told me that life was brutal, hard, and people were going continue to fuck me over because that’s how people are.
I didn’t try to fight it, I just nodded my head and realized a valuable lesson had been learned.
The school of hard knocks had shown me how to deal and I was going to be a great student.
Almost immediately, I began noticing dishonesty in those around me.
As I grew up I saw two patterns emerge in my relationships with people.
Either, the person in my life who was a friend, family member, or prospective romantic partner would either show his or her true colors and make an unforgivable mistake allowing me to see the truth and walk away.
Or, the person would get too close and try to be open and honest which I knew was just a ploy, so I executed a pre-emptive strike sabotaging the relationship either by leaving, or doing something that I knew would make that person leave.
I behaved like this for years.
Even in my marriages where I felt like I was somewhat safe, I would make my spouse jump through hoops in order to prove she could be trusted.
In all reality, I felt no intimacy, no trust, and after years of it, no real emotion.
I could only feel apathy and anger.
I would see situations that warranted emotion of some kind.
It could be love, sadness, fear, or joy.
I felt nothing.
It was comfortable.
It was hell.
There was a point in my life, where I realized I was missing out and I wanted more.
After spending considerable time getting to know myself and trying to have more from life, a couple things happened.
First and foremost, I had to realize that I had a habit of pushing people away that got close or bringing people into my world that couldn’t be trusted.
This was just my way of justifying my belief about people.
I believed it truly so I made it true with every relationship and interaction I had.
Once I came to terms with that, I had a great friend tell me something so simple and yet profound.
He told me that trust begins in the self.
That phrase entered my soul in a way as nothing ever had before.
See, in all reality I didn’t trust myself.
I didn’t believe that inner voice that would tell me if something was amiss with someone.
I didn’t trust that I would be able to have an open committed relationship.
The deeper problem was that I didn’t believe I was worthy of trust.
Not from myself and definitely not from someone else.
I had told myself at ten that I wasn’t worthy of it and for some reason, the pain of that event had seared it into my soul and I believed it into adulthood.
It was so ingrained that I didn’t even know it was there.
I pushed many great and well-intentioned people away because I didn’t feel like I deserved it.
Merely getting to that point was huge in me being able to watch how I received people into my life.
I am still learning to trust myself, but the breakthrough has shown up in so many other areas.
I was able to start a business and believe I had what I needed in order to make it work.
I have been able to step more squarely into my values and trust my internal voice to make decisions that ultimately align with who I am and what I actually want (not societal or familial aspirations).
More recently, I have noticed that I am not afraid to let people in who have all the capacity in the world to outsmart, manipulate, and ultimately betray me but I completely trust myself to:
First, be able to handle it.
Second, listen to myself and sense if there is a problem with something happening so I’m not naive or blind.
This opens my life up for deeper friendships, more love, and greater intimacy.
Also, it gives me greater opportunity in business and wealth creation as I can let people into my inner circle who have similar goals and great ideas and insights.
This journey has taken years of effort, time, and money (well spent).
How are you showing up in your life and relationships?
Do you trust people or find yourself in the position I was for so so long?
Trust begins with the self.
I hope this helps.
Also, I can send you resources if you feel you need some help with this.
Thank you for reading.
Phillip Adams